The Horror...

The love of life is something I am very familiar with. The pain of it more so. The problem is, it seems, that I keep wondering when the pain will come back even though I'm in the middle of something perfect. In the story "The Heart of Darkness," the protaganist seeks out a missing coleague who dissaprears into the African indigenous lands. When he finally comes upon his fellow reporter, he finds the man to be disgusting: and evil warlord who puts the heads of those who displease him on pikes outside his fortress. Our protaganist ends up being the only person with this dark-hearted man on his deathbed, and the last words the man utters, in a fit of fear, are "Oh, The Horror! The Horror!" I remembered this because its something that hides in all of us in the shadows. Im constantly worried that my little demon will become who I am, who I become. Its something a lot of people deal with, and suprisingly many think they're all alone. I'm here to tell you at least one other person struggles with it. I do constantly. Serena is visiting me this winter. For 12 days. The closer those days get, the more I begin to freak out. I constantly worry that something, anything, will go wrong. I can't let that feeling go... and I should. I'm sorry this is a bit of a venting post, but it needed to be said. Its not like any of my readers actually exist. Oh well... If you do exist, let me know! I'm working on a donate button, because, well, I need it. It'll be up soon. :)

The point of this post. I don't know. You all may not know me very well yet, but this is something that scares me. My life is huge now, in a daunting way. Too much to do, to aim for, too much to deal with. I never know where the next challenge will come from, and they aren't challenges I want. I want a simpler set, something dangerous and physical. I know that sounds pretty base, but I don't mean I want a fight. I want to run, to climb, to move. I haven't danced in almost a year now, and I get precious little time to do anything else either. My writing is to pot: I havent written in almost two months. I am dying in the water, and I have college to go. I need a year, honestly. I guess... I guess I need a moment, just one, that I can just let go of. So I'm going to take it, soon. I don't mean leave, hell, not even dissapear for two hours. I just mean, from this moment on, I'll look for every chance to take joy in my actions. Perhaps, just maybe, possibly, I've forgotten to do that. Thats really the point. Thank you all, in the depths of your lack of actually existing, for listening. Next post is going to be back to normal, y'all, and I'm sorry for changing on you for so long. Like I said last time, Sohneya is coming back. And he's closer than ever.