Logic, Intuition, and what you're trying to do

For the past couple days, Serena's phone has been acting very strange, and will not accept calls, only make them. Since we are long distance, This poses a problem: I can't call her, and she can't always call me when she's free. Since she can't text yet either, (stupid Phone Company!!!) I had no way of getting to her unless she has internet access, in which case I can text her google account. Yeah, the things you do when you're in love! Hehe...

 Last night, I had so little homework that, before 11 my time, she and I were able to talk. The problem? When I turned on my phone I found she had texted me something along the lines of "hey hon, when should I call? I won't be able to be contacted for a few hours." Oh how lovely to find it had been twenty minutes before. Sure enough, she had left already, and my text was never received. You can see how irritated I might have been. Not at her, but at the situation. Often I look forward to talking to her at night, and sometimes it's really all that keeps me from despairing at my lack of sleep, huge number of essays, math problems, language homework, etc. as well as what I have to do to prepare for college. Ugh. But hearing her voice, or God especially seeing her face, just fixes all of that, wipes it away. It doesn't matter how much I have to do or how little sleep I got or will get, I am doing it all for her, and for that reward I'd do anything, and I mean anything. Now this little tangent is to explain this: now, I have to not talk to her because she's off doing Laundry or something? I will miss my chance to talk to her because I... I missed a text?! That seemed so unfair to me, so very unfair. 

This is an example of the first part of today's post: Logic and what you've been asked to do. Ever had someone not get something that seemed so incredibly easy? Something along the lines of "God, its so obvious! You just...." comes out of your mouth and you get frustrated as they keep not getting it. That's what I'm talking about: you just can't seem to see why they can't get it. Last night I wondered why she didn't figure out that I told her "I'll get my work done and text you as soon as I can!" I wasn't angry, I was just... disappointed. But really disappointed, as if I had just gotten grounded the night before prom, after I had hired a Limo, paid for a tux rental, gotten my girlfriend's dad to let her go, and gotten her a ring. But often it does make us angry, it does piss us off like nothing else. Now think back: has anyone gotten mad at you, at one time or another, because they just can't seem to teach you what they're trying to teach? Guess what: thats you on the other side of the same situation. As human beings we have a tendency to put blame on others, but we don't realize sometimes how hypocritical we're being when we do that: if we get mad at the learner, we can't be angry, when we are in their position, at the teacher: after all, it's the learner's fault: they are the ones who can't seem to get it! Instead, we shouldn't place blame, but I can't say that I'm very good at that, and I don't expect anyone else to be, since if I can't then nobody can! (Hubris right there, for you literary buffs, for others, its called pride, and a lot of it) Anyway, remember that, and thats the main point.

 Now to Logic: its our logic that gets in our way: we don't see the logical progression: we just don't see how if you know the direction a subatomic particle is moving we can't know its position, or if we know its position, we can't know its direction. Thats simple to some of us, but to others it seems to stupid and fake we wonder why Heisenberg is such a big name in physics. And other things, much simpler, fit in that example: we just don't see it. No as to intuition: that part of us that says something we couldn't have thought of. The little voice that all of a sudden, while we're doing something, anything, or doing nothing even, waltzes up and says "hey, I got an idea you don't! Listen...." and whispers in your ear what it thinks might work. That part of her kept me from going to bed last night without saying "I love you:" she felt like she needed to call me and she did, and I was happy. But what told her to call me? What tells me the answer I'm looking for when I've sat, staring at a paper filled with failed math, or scattered words that failed to make a poem because they're too shy to dance with each other? Its called intuition, and its so mysterious we don't know what it is. I'll have an entire entry on it eventually, I think, but I'll just summarize it here: its something, a mix of strange and vague parts of you, that gives you an answer you never could have gotten yourself. 


Thank you all for listening, for letting me speak my mind, and I'll talk to y'all next time. Until then, remember: keep your eyes open to life.

Preordained Free Will: Say what?!

Perhaps we have something within us that knows what we want to do for the rest of our life, perhaps we know from the beginning what our dreams will be like. Perhaps, from the beginning, your life is defined. I don't like that idea at all. We often wonder what we mean by fate vs. free will, and philosophers argue constantly about it. How do we define ourselves, by our choices or by our fate? Are we able to change destiny or is destiny only the thing that defines us? Or is it somewhere in between? I thought long and hard about this many times, and I've come to the conclusion that its somewhere in between: our lives have things that can't be just chance, nor coincidence. I don't believe in coincidence, and a lot of people I know don't. However, something in me just cannot accept the idea that there is no choice in things, no decision and no ability to change your life. Often people double-speak themselves in Christianity, saying that God's grand plan is infallible and inexorable, at the same time as they uphold the belief they have free will (unless of course they're Calvinists), and never notice the dichotomy.

                    Don't think I'm dissing Christianity: I'm a Christian, devout and faithful. The difference is how I believe. I don't follow God without thinking: that wouldn't make much sense since he gave my my intelligence in the first place. Instead I try to figure out, as best I can and trying to let him guide my thoughts, what he means in each situation, in each moment. The biggest problem to me is the dichotomy of those two: inexorable plan and free will. After a lot of thought I figured it out: It's a sciencey explanation, so bear with me. It's often said among quantum physicists that time is just another of the 11 dimensions that we exist in: 3 grand space dimensions, one grand time dimension, and 7 other, undefined, and infinitesimally small dimensions we can't really see because they're so small.

                         My belief is that God exists within and aware of all 11, and can move about them freely, which makes sense: "I am the alpha and the omega, the beginning and the end" He is everything and everywhere, and everyWHEN. Now, then, how does that explain this? He has a plan, and his plan is something he's constantly changing and reforming. He has so many possibilities planned for, literally every possibility, that in the end his plan will never fail: it accounts for every possible eventuality. Each possible universe, every outcome is in his plan and does not cause it to fail because its not outside the plan: if one person doesn't do something, he shifts responsibility to another. We each are born with a purpose, and if we do not fulfill it God works around us. The analogy I use is that of a parent who tells their kid "You shouldn't do that, you know, it'd be smarter to save it." and then lets the kid decide. It may make their job harder and less enjoyable, but they do it for their child anyway. Thats God for you: the ultimate parent.  He's got the best technique of us all: the "let em live and learn, they'll help each other or I'll punish them when the time comes" approach. Just don't do that to your kids, and you'll be fine. 

                         I know I've focused a lot on God in this one, and I don't know why, but I also know my ideas may rub some people the wrong way, so by all means disagree with me, debate with me, email me. I'll respond here online if its something good enough to keep my audiance (whoever that is...), and if not, then I'll reply to you at least. Just no hatemail, okay?

                   Thanks y'all, and have a nice day.

Love... and pain (becoming a Sohneya)

              The woman I love is not the first. It almost never happens: the first love is the last, the woman you fall in love with at a tender age is the one you spend life with. I was hurt worse than some: my first girlfriend, a long-distance relationship, had problems I didn't understand, and she ended up suicidal. When she came back from the deep hole she had fallen into, when I and her family convinced her to keep going, she left me. The same phone call she used to tell me she was living and keeping on living she used to leave me forever. I wasn't ever the same, not for a long time. I tried to date once or twice more, but to no avail: it was too painful. Until one day I stopped looking for love, and found it because I fought so hard against it.

 Her and my story is so similar, and yet so different. So many things almost kept us apart, its legitimately scary. A national competition, known as We The People, brought us together. The first chance happening: both of us almost didn't enter. The class took a lot of time, and I had ballet performances almost at the same time as the state competition in the Capitol city. She almost decided not to. When we did make it to state, my team won by... 1 point. She and I kept working hard for nationals in Washington D.C., and I worked so hard I almost failed a class: no go if you can't pass!! When I worked it with my teacher, I still had a 69.5: exactly enough to pass.
           Skip forward almost a week: we are now at the awards ceremony. The dance afterwards is hoppin, true, but I have a dance partner already and I'm happy: she isn't bad, to say the least. She talks with her team leader, trying to stay longer, and to no avail: I'm now partner-less. Meanwhile my future love is thinking about leaving. She decides to stay on a whim. I look around, trying to find a dance partner, and sure enough, there's a beautiful young lady. Not Serena, but someone I do not know still. I ask for a dance, and her guy comes back with drinks. I disappear from her life forever. Another lady catches my eye: my dearest love. I didn't know it then, i just wanted to dance. We did, and then we talked. and talked and talked and talked. Someone pulled me out of my reverie with a tap on the shoulder. "Hey, you're team is leaving buddy." I bid her goodbye. I suddenly remember: her number. I ask for it, she gives it to me. I ask for a hug, and I get one. As we part, I cannot help myself: I kiss her on the cheek, nothing big, but more than I expected to do. She stands for a second, then says goodbye, and I dash off. A few buds congratulate me on the numbers I've gotten: seven. But to me, the only one that holds promise is one: hers. A few weeks later I tell her I love her. She and I are both scared to death of love: we've had too many painful nights to do it again. But it happens no matter how hard we fight: we naturally talk with each other, confess to each other, and three weeks later she says it... i hear a voice in my ear, saying the most fulfilling words I've ever heard: I love you. I remember those words like they just echoed from my phone.
          Still, we are apart: we both need to finish college, and we both know better than to sacrifice our future together for a temporary present. But we meet, every once in a while, and we enjoy our time apart by talking together as often as possible.
          So the lesson is: follow your instincts, listen to your heart, and you'll find the meaning you're looking for. Trust me: It'll happen so long as you don't let the world distract you. Life happens between plans, so look for it. Make it happen, and take risks. That's how things happen: you have to give them force, and they'll snowball into something you'd never expect.

Sohneya is the Hindi term for Handsome man. It means so much more however: handsome in spirit, word, manner, and deed as well as physical appearance, it's a word used for someone you love deeply, for the one you'd spend your life with. I choose this name not because I believe I deserve it: I don't think I do. But She gave it to me, and I revel in it. A favorite quote will close this post, something a bit long but just as  meaningful.

        "Fall in love or fall in hate. Get inspired or be depressed. Ace a test or flunk a class. Make babies, or make art. Speak the truth or lie and cheat. Dance on the tables or sit in the corner. Life is divine Chaos: embrace it, forgive yourself, breathe, and enjoy the ride." I have only one thing to add: Live and learn, or crash and burn. As Serena put it: learn from your mistakes or live in regret. Remember that always, and follow it. Sohneya out.

Let it Begin...

  Thesis statement: Life is a series of small moments, all of which, on their own, could do nothing important, but when mixed create the allusive and mixed image called experience that shapes and determines a life.

          Life, the Universe and Everything: What Makes Things What They Are

     A life is an elusive thing, a rare and valuable object that, depending on how you look at it, is the only thing everyone owns, or something that is almost impossible to obtain. Often subdivided into different areas of application: eg. Social life, (often an indicator of lack therof is the phrase "get a life!" directed a the person in question) love life, sometimes divided into romantic and sexual, school/work life, or career, and of course physical life, or the lack of death. If you define any one kind of life as a "life", then its the only thing anyone (even the undead, because if they are "un" dead, they have at least a daily life, or work life, of finding food, even though they do not lack death) has, but, if you believe that most, or God forbid all, of the "subsections of life" are necessary, then it is nigh impossible to have them all. What then, should life be defined as? Can it be said that life is truly just being not dead? (or, in the case of the undead, still moving around?) Through a grand series of examples, discussions, answers, and basic memories I will attempt to prove that life, in its most base form, cannot be divided and so cannot be defined among these areas. To explain my point, I ask you: you and your girlfriend go to a party, and end up (GASP!!) making out in a side room. Which form of life is it? Romantic love life, sexual love life, or social life? Each is represented, and even just the action of flirting (say you didn't have a girl and were looking at the party) could be considered both social life and love life, and so cannot be defined. This simplistic example suggests the larger idea: life cannot be subdivided and cut up, because it exists only when it's going on. 

      For the entirety of this blog, the aim is to further this view. Should a tangent that seems to have nothing to do with Life happen to pop up, remember: thats life, and its hard to talk about it when I'm living it.

Introitus

Well, this is the first post. The original, the beginning of a great (or terrible) journey. Either this flops and I'm basically just throwing my mind at nothing, or someone out there enjoys reading this. Either way, so be it: c'est la vie, as they do say. (For non-French speakers like moi, but who don't know what that means, it translates literally to "That is life", meaning whatever will be will be.) This blog, basically, is about those small moments in life we should remember to enjoy. First off: I appreciate anything sent to me, I would love to hear your stories, comments, etc., and if I find a way to use it in my posts I definitely will. If I do, you'll get credit, and any shout-outs etc. that you want (within reason, of course), including if you request anonymity. And of course, its true, I will not always post on time. As of yet, I don't even know what "on time" means. I'm thinking probably Mon. Wed. Fri. schedule, more once i have more opportunity to go online.

My Email, as of now, is TheSmallestLight@Gmail.com